Sir Richard

The second speech I gave in my freshman speech class was a "how to" speech. I told the class how to light a camp stove. No one listened. I hated the sound of it coming out of my mouth. The audience would have preferred an episode of C-SPAN to my dronings.

I remember racking my brain to think of a good idea for that speech, but my efforts yielded nothing. Since then I've wished so many times that I could go back and try something else:

-how to take a nap

-how to flirt with your teacher while giving a speech about yodeling

-how two emo kids became friends

or even,

-how too many people park at the library

There were plenty of clever alternatives, and I tried really hard to think of one, but the boring stove was the best I could come up with.

At that time in my life I was influenced a lot by this guy named Richard. I started taking his advice because it seemed like he really believed in me. Looking back I don't know whether or not he believed in me, but I do know his method of helping me succeed wasn't helpful. Richard was always comparing me to other people. He'd mention it to me when someone did something better than me. He wanted to be friends with people who made straight A's and had athletic prowess. I tried to meet his expectations, but lame ideas like "how to light a camp stove," weren't cutting it. My teachers and classmates weren't super impressed either.

Making up excuses to give Richard became almost a full time job. It was exhausting. He wanted to know how it was that Derek was so much better than me at tumbling, Drew could hit a golf ball farther, and Ashley could give speeches that people actually enjoyed listening to. When Richard would find out stuff like this it was all I could do to explain to him that this was an isolated instance, and really not a fair representation of my overall progress towards total world domination (I told you he had high expectations). I was using all my creative energy inventing excuses to appease Richard. I had nothing left with which to dream up good speeches, or do anything original, really.

Eventually I realized that Richard's cruel behavior was abusive. I was in an abusive relationship. So I try not to listen to him anymore. Sometimes it's hard though...he gets inside me. He's my ego...He's a real dick.